Final Year

Assalam

As enthusiast as a final year students should be, I'm absolutely differ than I should be. 

The class already started more a less a week. But, the feeling hasn't reach me yet, already postponed my flight to another 2 weeks to gather my thoughts and strength all together.

I'm mostly worrying about the kids thing and ttc things. *sigh*

So, am really not in the mood for studies just yet after I know everything is fine.

E already made an appointment with the O&G specialist at KJMC this Saturday.

I'm really praying that everything is fine and normal as a  normal person should be, and it just the matter of blessing from Allah S.W.T with kids and our efforts. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin. 

Insha Allah.

Frankly, I'm afraid. 

Absolute afraid that something wrong with me. 

Ya Allah, please grant me the strength and sabr and keep away the bad things from me. Amin.

 Praying hard so. 

As a women and a wife,

 I bet you understand that not being able to give kids to your spouse is the hardest feeling ever. 

I'm thinking till the extend of giving him permission to marry another one. 

But, just the mere thoughts of it, torn my heart apart, and it does really hurt.

Crying while watching him sleeping soundly and the thoughts came, Ya Allah, only He knows how hurts it is and painful it is to me.

I guess the wifey-thing overwhelmed me more than my role as a student.

Please 1000x pray for me peeps, whoever you are, wherever you are. 

Bismillah that everything will be just fine and Allah ease it for me.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Till then, daaaaa

Waalaikumussalam.

Sleepless Night

I've lost count of how many nights that I may get a nice and deep sleep.

Ever since, I'm back in Egypt last winter break. I've been having trouble sleeping. Most of the times due to over-thinking, which I try to avoid. But, the thoughts keep on creeping in.

Especially, the thoughts of missing E. This is so unbearable guys.

Not that, I hate LDR, nor that I'm against His plan for me. But, I admit it's so hard. And I've been failing lots of time, trying to endure and acts like nothing.

As you know, I'm not surround by married people, most of my friends are single here studying. So, I'm having trouble faking that I'm ok to them. Well, they might think it is too cliche' if I told them what I've been through, what I feel because they might not understand it.

Every nights, trying to get to sleep means I'm encounter  a battle with myself, contemplating between studying to fill up the time I waste on bed trying to sleep. But then, I read few pages, yawn came. The routine rotate till I fell asleep. 

Alarm knocked on my ears, shut it off and realized, I'm not having enough sleep, only sleep for couple hours means insufficient energy to go to class. *sigh

Deep regret I had here. Every time. Each morning.

The biggest obstacle right now is myself. None other. May Allah ease me with strength from Him if this, me being here is the best for me to Him. Ya Allah The Exalted, I pray for strength to be able to endure this, patience to go through all this, and Your Guidance of what is better for me, grant me wisdom and knowledge in studies especially Ya Allah, for which all this from You. Amin.

Married VS Studies

Lots of my friends been asking me before and some of them still do, "Why you take decision to marry instead of focusing only on my studies?"

Well, frankly, I don't have  that answer with me indirectly. What I had in my mind before and particularly that time was "This is His planning for me, things which He let it be easy, certainly a rahmah and barakah for me and for future". Insha Allah.

Me still being the typical servants to Him still have that waver-feeling whether my decisions is right or not. Forgive me, my sin, The Exalted.

But, E always supported me saying that this for His redha, Allah will helps us go through this. We have to keep on having faith and remain strong and sabr.

Many challenges I faced before the marriage, before finally E said, "Aku terima nikahnya..."

That moment, I remained blank. I can't really describes how I'm feeling that time. I came to my sense when he came to me and pulled my hand gently, trying to put on the ring to my finger and the necklace to my wrist. Not before, he prays for our marriage and put his hand on my head.

Some might cry. But, I can't. I'm just too grateful to Him that we're husband and wife now. Alhamdulillah.

Trust me, it is just the beginning.

The challenge is now, when we're being far, when I have to get back to Egypt to pursue my studies. Been longing for him endlessly. Crying. But, the sweetness of being far prevails we remain like a newly-wed couple when we met and when we're far, we're blessed with His redha because we love and missing our significant one whom is already halal for us. This is what I keep in my mind and my heart.

I'm not an expert. I'm telling you the reality. It still hard. really hard. There are several times, I'm feeling like my life is worthless. But, then I remember this :

"Cukuplah bagiku Allah (yang menolong dan memeliharaku), tiada Tuhan (yang berhak disembah) melainkan Dia ; kepadaNya aku berserah diri, dan Dia lah yang mempunyai Arasy yang besar."

( At-Taubah : 129 )

No matter how much you love someone, you should remember to love Him The Almighty first. Without His help and His love, I shall not meet E. I realized this when I know that E just live near to me, I mean for all this years, I'm in Taiping, back and forth for my studies and home, I'm not knowing him anywhere not until He let me, not until when the right moment. Isn't His The Most Graceful?? Subhanallah.

So, who am I to be complaining about I can't. When He certainly knows that I can, and let me be in this situation. I mean being a wife and oversea students. Definitely there's hikmah and something for me to learn.
I'm still praying and hoping, Allah grant me inner strength and sabr to go through all this. Amin

After all, our purpose nothing else except to please Him and for here-after. We're now preparing ourself in this world for the eternal one. Insha Allah.


 Solemnization

 My Side's Ceremony

E's side Ceremony