Final Year

Assalam

As enthusiast as a final year students should be, I'm absolutely differ than I should be. 

The class already started more a less a week. But, the feeling hasn't reach me yet, already postponed my flight to another 2 weeks to gather my thoughts and strength all together.

I'm mostly worrying about the kids thing and ttc things. *sigh*

So, am really not in the mood for studies just yet after I know everything is fine.

E already made an appointment with the O&G specialist at KJMC this Saturday.

I'm really praying that everything is fine and normal as a  normal person should be, and it just the matter of blessing from Allah S.W.T with kids and our efforts. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin. 

Insha Allah.

Frankly, I'm afraid. 

Absolute afraid that something wrong with me. 

Ya Allah, please grant me the strength and sabr and keep away the bad things from me. Amin.

 Praying hard so. 

As a women and a wife,

 I bet you understand that not being able to give kids to your spouse is the hardest feeling ever. 

I'm thinking till the extend of giving him permission to marry another one. 

But, just the mere thoughts of it, torn my heart apart, and it does really hurt.

Crying while watching him sleeping soundly and the thoughts came, Ya Allah, only He knows how hurts it is and painful it is to me.

I guess the wifey-thing overwhelmed me more than my role as a student.

Please 1000x pray for me peeps, whoever you are, wherever you are. 

Bismillah that everything will be just fine and Allah ease it for me.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Till then, daaaaa

Waalaikumussalam.

Sleepless Night

I've lost count of how many nights that I may get a nice and deep sleep.

Ever since, I'm back in Egypt last winter break. I've been having trouble sleeping. Most of the times due to over-thinking, which I try to avoid. But, the thoughts keep on creeping in.

Especially, the thoughts of missing E. This is so unbearable guys.

Not that, I hate LDR, nor that I'm against His plan for me. But, I admit it's so hard. And I've been failing lots of time, trying to endure and acts like nothing.

As you know, I'm not surround by married people, most of my friends are single here studying. So, I'm having trouble faking that I'm ok to them. Well, they might think it is too cliche' if I told them what I've been through, what I feel because they might not understand it.

Every nights, trying to get to sleep means I'm encounter  a battle with myself, contemplating between studying to fill up the time I waste on bed trying to sleep. But then, I read few pages, yawn came. The routine rotate till I fell asleep. 

Alarm knocked on my ears, shut it off and realized, I'm not having enough sleep, only sleep for couple hours means insufficient energy to go to class. *sigh

Deep regret I had here. Every time. Each morning.

The biggest obstacle right now is myself. None other. May Allah ease me with strength from Him if this, me being here is the best for me to Him. Ya Allah The Exalted, I pray for strength to be able to endure this, patience to go through all this, and Your Guidance of what is better for me, grant me wisdom and knowledge in studies especially Ya Allah, for which all this from You. Amin.

In Denial

In denial. 

Me being a wife.

Me being a student.

Me being in LDR with E.

Our family getting bigger.

A very fast pace come through my life.Alhamdulillah. Well. I'm not pregnant. But, do pray for me. amin.

THE BIGGEST DENIAL I've been through is being far from E.

That's surely not all, being a medicine student and in my 5th year of studies, this year surely a bigger challenge than before.

Always crying telling E, "Honey, I'm afraid I can't do well, many people rely and hope for me to do well. And you knew it better"

Nonchalantly, he said, "Come just be back in Msia and be by my side. You're my wife. I don't care what people might say if you do be back in Msia for good"

Pfftt. That kind of confident. Where did he get that from?

Honestly, I've been searching that passion. The passion I once had during the first year I'm here.

I guess it's just the clingy wife in me speaks out loud.

Wanted to be there waiting for him to be back from work, waking him up for works, doing breakfast, lunch, dinner and in between that.

On the other hands, I'm kinda feeling I'm a bit slower in learning nowadays. This brings me down than ever.

On top of that, have to bear most of the annoying-snobbish-arrogant Egyptian's behaviors. Surely another major turn off for me.

I mean sometime they said A, in a minute, it would be B, another minutes again would be C. If I might go on, I would run out of alphabets already.

Seriously, five years I'm here. Always have to be cautious and prepare for battle if anything might go wrong in any minutes. I can be a Spartan then if I'm living in that era.

Well. My first update and it's already full of complaints. Forgive me guys. I'm not doing well to keep it all within me. But, this soothe me better to tell it all here. Thank.